Jokes || X
Added On : Sunday - October 11, 2015 - 03:29:52 PM [GMT +6:00]
The income tax officer decides to audit businessman Kewalramani, and summons him to the income tax office.

The officer is not surprised when Kewalramani shows up with his attorney, Jamshedji..

The officer says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you won money gambling. I'm not sure the income tax finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Kewalramani. "How about a demonstration? "

The officer thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Kewalramani says, "I'll bet you ten thousand rupees that I can bite my own eye."

The officer thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Kewalramani removes his glass eye and bites it.

The officer's jaw drops.

Kewalramani says, "Now, I'll bet you Twenty Thousand rupees that I can bite my other eye."

The officer can tell Kewalramani isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Kewalramani removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned officer now realizes he has wagered and lost Thirty thousand rupees, with Jamshedji as a witness.

He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Kewalramani asks.

"I'll bet you Sixty Thousand rupees that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The officer, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and Decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, So he agrees again.

Kewalramani stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The officer leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss Into a huge win.

But Jamshedji moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the officer asks.

"Not really," says Jamshedji, the attorney.

"This morning, when Kewalramani told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me One Hundred Thousand Rupees that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."


=================================================================

A 16-year-old boy comes home with a brand-new Porsche one day. As you might expect, his parents freak out a little  bit.

"Where on Earth did you get that car?" demands his mother.

"I bought it today," the boy calmly replies

"With what money?" his parents exclaim. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"With my allowance money," answers the boy. "It was just 15 bucks. And look, here's the title to it!"

This gets the parents even more worked up. "Fifteen bucks??? Who the heck sells a brand-new Porsche for fifteen bucks?" they ask.

"It was the lady that just moved in up the street," says the boy. "I don't know her name. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Well, there must have been some kind of mistake," says the mother.
Turning to her husband, she says, "John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walks up the street, where he finds an attractive middle-aged woman in the front yard planting petunias. He introduces himself and says he's looking for a woman who just sold a Porsche to his son.

"Oh, yes," she responds. "That was me. I hope he's enjoying it!"

"Er... yes, very much," replies the father. "But to tell you the truth, we can't understand what just happened. Why in the world did you sell it for such a low price?"

"Well," she says, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend that he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't plan to come back. He said he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

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The multi-purpose card is the latest version of our perpetually metamorphosing IC. With an embedded smart chip, it can also store our medical history, driver's license, act as an ATM card, serve as an electronic purse and even be used at the National Library.

A likely scenario when ordering pizzas in the near future...


Operator :  "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut .. May I have your..."

Customer:  "Heloo, can I order.."

Operator :  "Can I have your multi purpose card number first, Sir?"

Customer:   "It's eh..., hold on...... 6102049998-45-54610"

Operator :  "OK... you're... Mr Singh and you're calling from 17 Jalan Kayu. Your home number is 40942366, your office 7645 2302 and your mobile is 014 266 2566. Which number are you calling from now Sir?"

Customer:   "Home! How did you get all my phone numbers?"

Operator :  "We are connected to the system Sir"

Customer:   "May I order your Seafood Pizza..."

Operator :  "That's not a good idea Sir"

Customer:   "How come?"

Operator :  "According to your medical records, you have high blood pressure and even higher cholesterol level Sir"

Customer:   "What?... What do you recommend then?"

Operator :  "Try our Low Fat Hokkien Mee Pizza. You'll like it"

Customer:   "How do you know for sure?"

Operator :  "You borrowed a book entitled "Popular Hokkien Dishes" from the National Library last week Sir"

Customer:   "OK I give up... Give me three family size ones then, how much will that cost?"

Operator :  "That should be enough for your family of 10, Sir. The total is $49.99"

Customer:   "Can I pay by credit card?"

Operator :  "I'm afraid you have to pay us cash, Sir.  Your credit card is over the limit and you owe your bank $3,720.55 since October last year. That's not including the late payment charges on your housing loan, Sir."

Customer:   "I guess I have to run to the neighbourhood ATM and withdraw some  cash before your guy arrives"

Operator :  "You can't Sir.  Based on the records, you've reached your daily limit on machine withdrawal today"

Customer:   "Never mind just send the pizzas, I'll have the cash ready. How long is it gonna take anyway?"

Operator :  "About 45 minutes Sir, but if you can't wait you can always come and collect it on your motorcycle..."

Customer:   " Wat!"

Operator :  "According to the details in system , you own a Scooter, ...registration number   E1123..."

Customer:   " *'!^ *%^**%^I7*"

Operator :  "Better watch your language Sir. Remember on 15th July 1987 you were convicted of using abusive language on a policeman... ?"

Customer:   [Speechless]

Operator :  "Is there anything else Sir?"

Customer:   "Nothing... by the way... aren't you giving me that 3 free bottles of cola as advertised?"

Operator :  "We normally would Sir, but based on your records you're also diabetic.......

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In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:



SIMPLE DUTIES


You make the bed ( 1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants ( 5) In the rain ( 8) But return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something ( 5)
You pummel it with iron rod ( 10)
It's her pet (-10)




SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS


You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy (-2)
Named Tina (-4)
Tina is a dancer (-6)
Tina has silicon implants (-80)



HER BIRTHDAY


You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ( 1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colours of your favourite team (-10)



A NIGHT OUT


You take her to a movie ( 2)
You take her to a movie she likes ( 4)
You take her to a movie you hate ( 6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)



YOUR PHYSIQUE


You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it ( 10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)



ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION


She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)



COMMUNICATION


When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned _expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes ( 50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV ( 500)
She realises this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)


=========================================================



THE ORIGINAL QUOTE
If you love someone,
Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....
THE NEW VERSIONS.....
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Pessimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, as expected, she never was
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Optimist:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Suspicious:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Impatient:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back within some time forget her.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Patient:

If you love someone, Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back,
continue to wait until she comes back ...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Playful:
If you love someone,
Set her free ...
*If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her
free again, repeat *
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
C   Programmer :
if(you-love(m_she)) /* m name of girlfriend */
m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she = new CShe;
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Animal-Rights Activist :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Lawyers:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the Second Amendment
of the Matrimonial
Freedom
Act clearly states that...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Bill Gates :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees but
tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Biologist :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
She'll evolve.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Statisticians :
If you love someone,
Set her free,
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back
is high
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Schwarzenegger's fans:
If you love someone,
Set her free,
SHE'LL BE BACK!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Over possessive person :
If you love someone
don't set her free.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
HR specialist :
If you love someone
set her free
by Offering her VRS and other benefits Then out source
her.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
MBA :
If you love someone
set her free
instantaneously and look for others simultaneously
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Psychologist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Somnabulist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back it's a nightmare
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
ERP functional expert :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Finance expert :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Marketing Specialist :
If you love someone
set her free
If she comes back she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new market
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


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